when i'm on stage, sometimes, i lie
i saw this video taken almost 30 years ago when it was a big deal that ellen degeneres came out of the closet on national TV, and this was before everyone hated her because she was annoying. it was someone who took footage of a watch party they had, and there were so many lgbt people celebrating, just watching it, just being so fucking happy, and i cried and it's funny because like. you don't think of ellen anymore as anything except the establishment. clean. and now things feel like they're going backward. maybe soon we'll have a society where all this is going to be fucking banned again... ...anyway, i digress.
i'd never seen the episode where she came out, but in 1997 it was a massive, massive deal, because there was absolutely no queer representation anywhere. and like, it's funny because in the episode she is absolutely terrified to say anything about being a lesbian. she would always try to mask it and like.
christ i'm writing this about ellen
i feel the exact same way about being a centaur. (inb4 WOW YOU ARE EQUATING YOUR FAKE BULLSHIT WITH SOMETHING ACTUALLY REAL)
i honestly just want to not look like this at all. i wish i could talk about it. i'm terrified of coming out. i'm fucking terrified. i wish i could transition i never thought i would relate to fucking ELLEN DEGENERES. like i've heard her comedy in the 90s was far better than what she became, but damn. what happened? i just.
:(
i wish i had a big horse body. i also wish i didn't look anything like my current self right now. i'm too fucking scared to talk about that publicly. i want to, so badly. maybe when the time comes. maybe when i can tell my friends and know that they won't fucking hate my guts for that. i'd rather not look like this i wish i weren't so ashamed to say that.